So, this post is way over due. I was going to post this post right after the other posts about people’s struggles. So, this is the post about my struggles. But first, why I didn’t post this sooner.
I have been running this blog for the wrong reason, and this is my confession to the bloggging world. This is also my apology to the bloggysphere. I have been writing this blog trying to gain followers and get posts. I have been writing this for your approval. Well, I no longer want your approval. My priorities have been changed. I now write for a few reasons. First to share with you all what God does in my life daily and how he helps me through everything and to bring honor to his name. Second, I write for me, writing is empowering. Having something to say and then voicing it for all to read is empowering. Thirdly, I write for this post. For people who are where I have been, to share hope with all. Now on to this post.
I suffer from Major Depressive Disorder. (This also makes me feel a little bit like I’m in AA 🙂 ) I was diagnosed with this disorder in May of 2005, almost 5 years ago. I was diagnosed after I attempted suicide. It was a Sunday evening, the Sunday right before finals week of my second semester in college. I remember feeling like there was no hope in my life and that there would never be any hope any more. I also vividly remember thinking that if I was dead, no one would miss me. Sure my mom and dad and sisters would miss me for a while, but they would get over it and move on with their lives. I honestly felt that there was no reason for me to be in this world anymore. People who have never struggled with depression ask, how can anyone feel this? are they just being dramatic? or do they really feel that they don’t matter or shouldn’t exist? Having been there, I answer that question with yes, people d feel this and no they are not being dramatic. I know it is hard to understand, but I’m afraid that unless you have been there it is hard to understand. If you have and questions about this, I am really happy to answer anything. I try my best to be an open book that just helps people.
Next you might ask, how did you recover from an attempted suicide? Well, it started with a week stay in a mental hospital. It was scary, real scary. Not the other people, the fact that I couldn’t leave if I wanted to, the fact that I didn’t know what was going to happen, the fact that no one trusted me with anything and watched me cautiously all the time. It was scary. I hope none of you ever have to stay in one of these places. Mainly because I wish that I no one, but mainly because I only wish the best for all my readers. After the hospital I went home to my parent’s house for the summer. The love of my parents and my sister’s helped me greatly. The thing that helped me the most was the church that my parent’s belonged to. At first my Mom forced me to go. She definitely didn’t give me the option of going or not and I am very thankful for that. I was so angry, at everything. I couldn’t pin point my anger at one thing, I was just angry. I’m sure I was horrible to live with that summer. Little by little, God spoke to me through the pastor at Westside Baptist Church. God broke down my walls of anger and spoke to me. He took away all the anger and hatred. He replaced it with his love and grace. He took someone who was at the end and didn’t know what to do next and replaced them with someone who was loved and had purpose in life.
That is why I am still in school. That’s why after receiving my undergraduate degree, I completely changed everything in my life and am getting my masters. I want to help people who are where I was. So one day far in the future I will get my license and practice psychology and be able to help people. In the mean time, I just try to live my life to honor God and love anyone who passes my path.